Growing up, I had one of those uncles who, when you spend the night at your grandma's, wakes you up at 4am to watch Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. Everyone has one of those, right? Anyways, it wasn't just JC that we woke up to watch; amongst his favorites were The Time Machine, Planet of the Apes, and The Birds. Given that I was maybe four the first time I saw The Birds, it completely terrified me. That's where my story begins.
The first couple months I lived in Australia, I was waiting for my teaching license to be approved. Because of this, I spent a lot time exploring my new neighborhood and reading Harry Potter. We lived about two blocks from a gorgeous beach so sometimes I went there to read or take pictures. I wasn't allowed to swim because Simon said I didn't know how... I learned later that he was right, the day I almost drowned, but that's a different near death experience for a different post. Also, I'm afraid of sharks.
Anyway, one day I thought I'd get some lunch and bring it to the beach, so I did- because when you're unemployed you can spend your days doing whatever you want. I got a sandwich and chips and found an empty picnic table by the shore. Little did I know that the horrifying seagulls with red rimmed eyes had the same idea and no lunch money. One second I was the luckiest girl in the world eating lunch on the beach in a gorgeous country, the next I looked like the bird lady from Home Alone, except that the birds were giant seagulls with red rimmed eyes and I was screaming and crying and throwing myself on the floor. I'm not exaggerating. I used the stop, drop, and roll technique firemen teach you to use when your clothes are on fire. Somehow I escaped and stood about a half block away watching the aftermath of the catastrophe and wondering how Harry was going to defeat Voldemort this time, seeing as the seagulls were using my book as a dinner plate. Then a woman about 100 years old and her 3 year old great granddaughter walked over and got it for me.
Here's a picture of me when some feathered friends approached about a month later:
The first couple months I lived in Australia, I was waiting for my teaching license to be approved. Because of this, I spent a lot time exploring my new neighborhood and reading Harry Potter. We lived about two blocks from a gorgeous beach so sometimes I went there to read or take pictures. I wasn't allowed to swim because Simon said I didn't know how... I learned later that he was right, the day I almost drowned, but that's a different near death experience for a different post. Also, I'm afraid of sharks.
Anyway, one day I thought I'd get some lunch and bring it to the beach, so I did- because when you're unemployed you can spend your days doing whatever you want. I got a sandwich and chips and found an empty picnic table by the shore. Little did I know that the horrifying seagulls with red rimmed eyes had the same idea and no lunch money. One second I was the luckiest girl in the world eating lunch on the beach in a gorgeous country, the next I looked like the bird lady from Home Alone, except that the birds were giant seagulls with red rimmed eyes and I was screaming and crying and throwing myself on the floor. I'm not exaggerating. I used the stop, drop, and roll technique firemen teach you to use when your clothes are on fire. Somehow I escaped and stood about a half block away watching the aftermath of the catastrophe and wondering how Harry was going to defeat Voldemort this time, seeing as the seagulls were using my book as a dinner plate. Then a woman about 100 years old and her 3 year old great granddaughter walked over and got it for me.
Here's a picture of me when some feathered friends approached about a month later:
And Simon laughed when I came running and screaming in the house when a 1000 pound kookaburra sat on our balcony.
Okay, so this doesn't sound so bad to you, right? Maybe its normal to be attacked by birds once in your life. Luckily, I was moving back to Chicago, safe from the all of the world's deadliest animals in Australia- snakes, crocodiles, seagulls, you know?
Fast forward..
This summer I picked up the habit of running. Running along the lake is a pretty common hobby for Chicagoans. It had been about two years since my seagull attack, so I felt pretty confident about being near the water by myself again. Often, my route took me to museum campus before running north. On this particular day, I ran around the perimeter of the aquarium. When I rounded the back near the water, I felt a pebble hit the back of my head. Clearly, the first thing I thought was "what asshole is throwing rocks at me?"and turned around to give someone the death stare. Well guess what? It was a giant black bird with red wings. And it wasn't a pebble that hit me, it was his GIANT BEAK. Well, obviously I started running faster, thinking it was just a mistake and he accidentally ran into me. Maybe he was texting and flying or thinking about the errands he had to run today. No. He attacked again- bit the back of my head! I start screaming and running like Pheobe Buffay in the episode where she embarrasses Rachel. But no, this bird wants blood and gets me AGAIN. I fall, skin the crap out of my legs, and think about just laying there to be eaten alive by this asshole bird. Except that there were people around and I was a little too ashamed to let Hannibird Lector win this fight. So, again, I escaped, I ran/limped the 2.5 miles home at break neck speed (okay, maybe like 8 miles an hour, I'm not very fast) to safety. So far, I'm the only one who is taking these feathered death threats seriously. The brothers and husband who claim to protect me from anyone who does me wrong have yet to take up bird hunting. We'll see what happens when I move to Connecticut in June. Lets hope the east coast birds haven't gotten in on the conspiracy yet.
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